I'm still Learning here

As many of you know i have become very close to certain family from my local church to the point of which i literally concider the parents my brother and sisters, and the children my nieces and nephews. Friends are the family you choose right? Over the past months sinces i have been deployed myself and my brother and sister have discussed what exactly my role is in the childrens lives. Well to make a long story short an uncle is exactly what i am minus the small little thing of blood relation. Well i love every minute of it!! I have never felt this attatched to anyone.

This relationship was put to a whole new test yesturday. Both of the eldest children are currently semi-grounded. One can't hold his tounge and the other well she just has some time restrictions cause she will sit infront of the computer all day now that her mother has let her join those of us in the realm of facebook. So anyway i call my sister last night and i get you won't believe what the kids did last night. So apparently their parents had called it an early night and the kids decided to stay up til about midnight. Without asking their parents about it first. So my brother walks down stairs and finds his 2 eldest children still awake playing video games. Naturally they both got scolded, but not so hot decisions seems to becoming a reoccuring theme here lately.

Now here is where my conflict comes into play. THe part of me that is young (i am 22 and single here cut me a break) was like and big deal, but the uncle part of me which is becoming stronger and stronger everyday says what in the world were they thinking, they know better. A really wierd train of thought for me. So then i got on the phone with them and did something i never thought i would do. I scolded them and threatened to take something away that they are very much looking forward to doing once i get back if they didn't sraighten up.

What i wanna know is where the heck did that come from? This whole responsible adult thing is really wierd for me. although i am picking up on it pretty well.

So what do ya'll think? Should becoming a responsible adult seem this strange to me?

10000 thoughts

So lately my mind has been a complete disarray of all the things i have going on in my head. From trying to figure out how we are going to work my homecoming to should i keep my car or trade it in. So much stuff going threw my head relaxing is becoming more and more difficiult by the day. I wish the answers would just fall in my lap, but we all know that doesn't happen. My primary concern right now is my nieces and nephews. I know they want to be on the pier when i return, but i also understand the importance for them to be at the fathers reenlistment. Granted if all goes as it is planned now i will actually make it to the cermony, but i don't count on that happening just yet. Whatever happens happens i know i will see them eventually, and being alone is something i'm used to anyway.

Being alone is somehting i have become quite accustomed to in my life. Granted just like any other human being i enjoy the company of others, but i have never deemed it neccesary. THen again i do have the tendancy to be manic so sometimes its just better for me to be alone. Less chance of my hurtung someone i care about that way. Yes i know that it is better to be around friends in the times your down, but i allowed myself to make amistake once before and i will never allow that to happen again. I refuse to hurt anyone i love ever again. I would rather die alone than cause pain to the ones i love.

This is where i find myself in a very strange situation. For years i didn't allow anyone close to me. Just so i wouldn't have that risk. Now i find myself in a situation with a group of people so important to me that i can't just "chunk duces" and dissapear. Cause that would cause them pain as well. And as i stated in the last paragraph i will never be anyones source of *emotional* pain again. People have told me a thousand times that situation was not my fault, but i can't help to feel that i am the cause of it. That is a burden i have had to deal with for many years. Now its a pain i have come accustomed to. It has simply become a part of me. An ache i can't quite ignore, but its there so i deal with it. Hell i think this ache is what causes me to be so careful now. I don't know if i could bare anything else added to it. The funniest thing is that the person has gotten over the pain i cause even forgiven me for what i did, but i can't seem to forgive myself.

Forgiving ones self is in my opinion the hardest thin there is to do in this life.

I know my God forgives me,

I know my family forgives me,

I know my friends forgive me,

even the person i have hurt forgave me

But forgiving myself is a task that i haven't figured out yet

tHE FRUSTRATIONS OF BEING DEPLOYED

I have never been one to really "spaz" over anything, but i'm beginning to notice the tendancy to want to do just that when it comes to having people you love in the area you live in. My present return date has been planned now for about a month, but unfortunately due to security reasons it isn't possible for me to just come out and say here is the date. Which ultimately leads to a lot of confusionl. So here i am trying to plan the things that i'm going to do when i get back, and it turns out boom my best friend has planned his reenlistment for the day i get back. Great there went the neighborhood. Thankfully back up plans are quickly made when your used to living this lifestyle. So if the original plan falls threw i already hace plans B and C created. You learn to think fast when you live this lifestyle. And best of all, all of the plans still put me seeing my best friends and my nieces and nephews. Who know according to what time his reenlistment is i may even be able to make it to that.

So close but yet so far away

So here i am anxiously awaiting ny return to Va Beach. Parts of me are ready for it beyond ready. In other ways i am nervous as can be over the readjustments i'm going to have to make. Going from spending all my time with the same 300 sailors back to being with normal people is a real change. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but parts of me can't help but wonder is it the end or is it an oncoming freight train. I am also going to have brand new experinces with this return. The last time i had no one actually waiting in me. Granted i got together with some friends that night, but i actually have peopl anxiously awaiting me. Bless my nieces and nephews and their parents with out them i don't know how i would have made it threw this one. I've been as far away as Thailand on this trip. It has been entirely long enough.

Readjusting is something that i am really nercous about. I'm going to have to be rid of my automatic defences that come with this style of living. Back around family. Not people that are doing there dangdest to get around me to make themselves look better.

Also there comes a task that i have done before, but not in a city and not with someone i cared for this much.... teaching a 15 year old how to drive. Been there done that, but not when i had this much tied into the person. I know i'm not to going to be the only person at the task, but still my driving style isn't exactly what you call "defensive" as a matter of fact its about as offensive as it gets, and she is about as cautious a person as i have ever met this should be interesting. anywho more l8er