10000 thoughts

So lately my mind has been a complete disarray of all the things i have going on in my head. From trying to figure out how we are going to work my homecoming to should i keep my car or trade it in. So much stuff going threw my head relaxing is becoming more and more difficiult by the day. I wish the answers would just fall in my lap, but we all know that doesn't happen. My primary concern right now is my nieces and nephews. I know they want to be on the pier when i return, but i also understand the importance for them to be at the fathers reenlistment. Granted if all goes as it is planned now i will actually make it to the cermony, but i don't count on that happening just yet. Whatever happens happens i know i will see them eventually, and being alone is something i'm used to anyway.

Being alone is somehting i have become quite accustomed to in my life. Granted just like any other human being i enjoy the company of others, but i have never deemed it neccesary. THen again i do have the tendancy to be manic so sometimes its just better for me to be alone. Less chance of my hurtung someone i care about that way. Yes i know that it is better to be around friends in the times your down, but i allowed myself to make amistake once before and i will never allow that to happen again. I refuse to hurt anyone i love ever again. I would rather die alone than cause pain to the ones i love.

This is where i find myself in a very strange situation. For years i didn't allow anyone close to me. Just so i wouldn't have that risk. Now i find myself in a situation with a group of people so important to me that i can't just "chunk duces" and dissapear. Cause that would cause them pain as well. And as i stated in the last paragraph i will never be anyones source of *emotional* pain again. People have told me a thousand times that situation was not my fault, but i can't help to feel that i am the cause of it. That is a burden i have had to deal with for many years. Now its a pain i have come accustomed to. It has simply become a part of me. An ache i can't quite ignore, but its there so i deal with it. Hell i think this ache is what causes me to be so careful now. I don't know if i could bare anything else added to it. The funniest thing is that the person has gotten over the pain i cause even forgiven me for what i did, but i can't seem to forgive myself.

Forgiving ones self is in my opinion the hardest thin there is to do in this life.

I know my God forgives me,

I know my family forgives me,

I know my friends forgive me,

even the person i have hurt forgave me

But forgiving myself is a task that i haven't figured out yet